She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
