If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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