We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
