we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
