Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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