my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
