Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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