Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
