if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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