P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
