I think im going to throw up on grandma
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
