She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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