i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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