You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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