I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
