Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
