I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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