everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
