I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
