Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
