i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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