Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
