if i can run in heels then i can drive
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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