I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
