Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
