Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
