You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
