i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
