who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
