Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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