i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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