Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
