Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
