My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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