I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
