I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
