Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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