I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
