Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
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