I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
