I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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