Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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