she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
