I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
