I cockslap morals
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
