are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
