May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
