I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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