The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
