Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
