Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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